Transformation and Lasting Change
Transformation and change. What makes transformation possible? What gets in the way of change? These are big questions. And I wanted to pause for a moment and define my understanding of and approach to that first word. Transformation.
According to the Oxford Dictionary:
Transformation: a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance.
A substantial change from one state to another. This is transformation. During personal reflection or supportive conversations, we may have an illuminating insight, and there is something magical and empowering about that. But it’s through responding and doing something differently and consistently that we feel the shift that some transformation has occurred. For our insight and learning to stick, it needs to be experiential.
“Knowledge is only a rumor until it lives in the body” - The Asaro tribe of Indonesia and Papua New Guinea
The Memory Reconsolidation Window
Recent brain neuroplasticity studies have revealed that when we experience ourselves in a new way, we create what is called an experiential mismatch. What’s amazing is that when this mismatch happens, our neural networks shift into a more open, flexible, and malleable state for around 5 hours. A coaching conversation can land you into this state of an experiential mismatch.
The reality is, we are moving through life very quickly. It’s hard to get a sense of the patterns in our life and that means it is hard to have contact with all of our self, all of our inner complexity. Not slowing down to make time for this inner contact is one reason we may experience impediments to progressing toward our goals or to a new way of being. The shortcut we think we need is more willpower or we simply need to try harder. What if instead of this inner critical talk, we offer a relationship to this inner complexity? What if we offer self-acceptance, understanding, and compassion? This can lead to feeling yourself differently than you normally do or expect to feel. You feel something different than what is normally happening in your experience. For example, responding to our experience with acceptance is a mismatch as we might not normally respond that way. And guess what? When we do this, the resistance or criticism or doubt relaxes. As we experience that relaxation, we open the memory reconsolidation window and create an experiential mismatch. When we have these mismatches, the synapses in the neurology of our brain affiliated with that structure of resistance shift into a malleable state over the next 5 hours before they reconsolidate. I’ll often suggest very small micro-practices after coaching sessions, and if you practice during these 5 hours, you can embody this new experience of yourself with more ease. If possible, I suggest that you hold the hours after our session lightly in your schedule, as what you do within those 5 hours will determine how much of this new way of being is sustained in the long term. It’s possible in those five hours, you create more mismatches. After 5 hours, it gets reconsolidated, and we want that to be the new experience of self! As I’ve learned, the door of transformation opens - and you stick your foot in that door! These micro-practices can shift into habits and new ways of being. It can open up a whole new way to experience ourselves and be.
Of course, this isn’t limited to coaching. We experience many transformational moments or one-off experiences in our lives. Time in nature, supportive conversations with loved ones, an impactful vacation, musical experiences, expanded states of awareness, and silent, or other retreats to name only a few. We also need ways to integrate those glimpses of transformation back into our everyday lives and ways of being.
I also acknowledge that there might be much resistance even to the word transformation! There may be parts of us that don’t want to transform. Change brings uncertainty and brings us into something unfamiliar. There are many good reasons for these feelings. We have worked hard to get to where we are today, and maybe the thought of introducing more change feels overwhelming. Building the comfort to be in this state (getting comfortable with discomfort is a simple way to say this) is also critical for making change sustainable and lasting. We need to develop the capacity to be with all parts of our experience.
I attended a masterclass recently with the brilliant Dr. Amanda Blake who gave a teaching on the neurobiology of memory. Her lecture validated all that I’ve learned about the memory reconsolidation window. It’s the brain's architecture for updating learning that makes any experience transformational. She gave us a fantastic practice to illustrate this that I’d like to share here. Try it and see what you notice.
Start by tightening up one of your hands and make a fist. With your other hand, I invite you to try and peel or force the fist open. Notice what happens to your fist as you try and force it open. I notice that my fist grips and stays stuck and really tight. Now what if you try a different approach? One of more compassion and acceptance. The experiential mismatch. First, wiggle and shake out your other hand a little bit. And now imagine that hand is connected to your heart and take a moment to feel that. With that heart connection, what if that other hand extends a loving touch to your fist? Maybe you hold the fist gently. Or you put your hand lovingly on your fist. You may even say quietly or internally something like “Ah, yes, it makes really good sense why you are clenched here, I get it.” Or you offer thanks to your fist for how hard it works on your behalf. What do you notice? I notice my fist softening. I notice softening expanding up my arm as well. In this practice, the clenched fist is meant to represent the normal way you experience yourself. And if we care for it, thank it, appreciate it, what do you notice? As it starts to soften and relax, now the memory reconsolidation window is open.
“And do not forget that the fist was also once an open palm and fingers”. Yehuda Amichai
To be clear, I am not a neuroscientist. But I’ve dove into these studies and find them fascinating, and hopeful and my personal experience of this approach has been truly transformational.
I’d love to hear from you if reading about this opens up ideas of possibility in your life and work. What kind of inner resources will you discover as you pursue your dreams, goals, or new ways of being you imagine for yourself? Reach out if you’d like to chat.
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