Befriending Your Inner Critic
Last January I wrote about New Year's resolutions and offered an alternative to our annual drive to improve ourselves. This year I want to explore something behind the drive to self-improvement. I recently read The New York Times article “10 Ways to Keep Your Mind Healthy in 2025.” I love many of the suggestions on their list (especially moving our bodies, and prioritizing a good night's sleep) but I was delighted to see #7 - Quiet Your Inner Critic. I often see suggestions to ignore, silence, tame, or even reframe it and turn it into your inner coach or cheerleader. What happens if we befriend instead of “quiet” or manage the inner critic?
In an earlier blog on change and transformation, I wrote about developing the capacity to be with all parts of our experience. This is what I call “the paradox of change.” We meet resistance if we approach a part of ourselves, including our inner critic, with an agenda to change or stop it. But if we befriend and approach all parts of ourselves with curiosity, change can unfold.
This might be one of the most difficult and persistent issues people face. Inner Critic attacks can lead to writer's block, self-doubt, guilt, performance anxiety, low self-esteem, procrastination, overworking, obsessive thinking, and even addictions. I want to introduce a simple way to get to know our inner critic, understand its motivations and intentions, and transform it.
I use a “Parts Work” approach to understand all Parts of our experience. Parts Work is a way to identify and relate with the different aspects of yourself to resolve internal conflicts. It helps us get to know our inner critic to understand the motivations, interpretations, strategies, and tactics behind the behavior. Parts Work is one of the most popular forms of self-development due to its effectiveness. Nearly all contemporary psychologies have adopted the view that ego structure is not singular but multiple. This helps us navigate the complexity of our inner world in a way that isn’t overwhelming. Humans are complex! This is often why we get stuck or have trouble making decisions. Think of it like working with a team, a committee, or a board of directors. You need alignment to work together and find your way forward.
We all have inner critics, sometimes more than one. I will introduce two of the most common inner critics—or two I know very well—and provide the first step to discovering their good intentions.
1. The Perfectionist Part
This Part may use strategies to try to get you to perform perfectly by criticizing you. This Part holds you to high standards, maybe even impossible standards, and tells you that you aren’t good enough. If you’ve ever said “I have very high standards for myself” you likely have an inner critic that operates like a perfectionist Part. It pushes you to keep improving.
2. The Taskmaster Part
If you find it difficult to turn off busyness and work, you may have an inner critic that operates as a taskmaster. Their strategies try to get you to work hard, complete tasks, and be successful. It might tell you you are lazy, incompetent, or at risk of failure, or find another way to keep you working hard.
While these are only 2 examples of general types, it is important to understand how these feelings and strategies are unique to each of us. They might make us feel small and incapable, lacking something, feeling we don’t have what it takes–or maybe something else.
While I can’t cover the entire process of working with your inner critic in this blog, I can guide you in the first steps.
Identifying: How Can I Spot My Inner Critic?
To recognize your inner critic in action, be on the lookout for signs. The inner critic may:
Evaluate or judge your feelings, your behaviors, your thoughts, and sometimes even yourself as a whole.
Tell you what you should and shouldn’t think, do or say. “Should” is a red flag that your inner critic is at work.
Criticize you for not meeting its or others' expectations.
Doubt you and shame you.
Make you feel guilty about the things you’ve done.
You start by naming the Part to befriend it!
A part of me feels I’ll never finish this writing.
Instead of: I’m never going to be able to finish this, I’m so awful at writing. Why did I even try?
And just notice how that feels. When I try it, I feel something soften in my shoulders. I understand a Part of me is concerned I might not be up to the task. Identifying or naming the Part allows you more space to establish a relationship with it versus feeling bad about it or wishing it away.
If it feels authentic, you can next offer yourself some compassion and understanding:
“I can really see how hard it is to finish this writing.”
You say this as if you were talking to someone sitting next to you. You can say it out loud or use an inner voice. The Part then feels seen by you. You let it know you see how it feels, and it starts to relax a bit.
If we can remain curious about its intentions, we might discover it is trying to protect us from feeling failure or some humiliation. The inner critic can judge, discourage, and criticize us. It can show up as imposter syndrome. While the inner critic wants to help us, their strategies are not very helpful. Their positive intentions can result in real negative consequences. But once we realize there are positive intentions behind its attack, we can offer ourselves understanding and appreciation. This can be the beginning of trust. It is that budding relationship that ultimately transforms once the Part feels, valued, appreciated, and even loved. That allows you to access deeper self-contact, an inner resourcing. Discovering the qualities and resources that will support you in navigating the complexities and challenges of work, relationships, and life.
Remember the paradox of change. We don’t want a strong change agenda with our Parts because judgment or any intention of change meets resistance but offering the Part acceptance paradoxically brings relaxation and transformation. All Parts have a positive intent. No matter how difficult a Part’s behavior may be or how deeply it hurts.
This is a brief introduction and the process is best experienced in partnership. If you’d like to explore this further, I’d love to hear from you if coaching could help support this discovery. We start exactly where you are and explore the threads together.
Reach out if you’d like to chat.
Resources
Here are a few sources I’d recommend to get to know your inner critic.
Freedom from your Inner Critic, A Self-Therapy Approach by Jay Early, PhD and Bonnie Weiss, LCSW.
This is a great resource for working with your inner critic and helps you identify the seven typical types of inner critics.
Michelle McDonald created the RAIN meditation and Tara Brach has turned it into a beautiful book. While this isn’t Parts Work per se, it’s similar. It’s a lovely book with supporting practices to cultivate self-compassion.