Unfolding vs. Self Improvement
What is Unfoldment? What is Development? And what’s IFS got to do with it?
In January, I wrote about New Year's resolutions and our annual drive to improve ourselves. There’s a little more I want to say about this because it’s so prevalent in our culture. I have found another way but first I want to make a few distinctions between self-improvement and development and introduce unfoldment.
What is Self Improvement?
I’ve operated most of my life from a place of self-improvement and I got quite good at it! Most of us have probably sought out ways to improve parts of our lives. Our careers, our titles, our pay, our homes or material possessions, our physical bodies, our relationships, even our happiness. Most of our education and our workplaces are focused on problem-solving and continuous improvement so we’ve probably approached most of our lives from an improvement perspective. And don’t get me wrong, improvement can deliver results and satisfaction. But this kind of focus only on improvement limits a way of being in the world that can support a profound engagement with life.
And sometimes it works! When we’re successful with these self-improvement projects, we pat ourselves on the back and may even believe that we’ve “arrived” at some ideal destination or accumulation. But maybe you’ve experienced, like I have, my attempts at self-improvement often deliver mixed results and sometimes they don’t come together as hoped.
But the catch here is really in the paradigm itself. The self-improvement path is based on the premise that you don’t have what it takes. You are missing something critical in your life and you won’t feel complete until it’s achieved. When it’s not achieved - you feel lacking or deficient. You believe you don’t have what it takes and so you come up with another self-improvement strategy. The self-help and wellness industries are really capitalizing on this! Not to mention social media ads. But it’s a catch-22 because even when it is achieved, you still sometimes feel deficient. Grabbing the golden ring often doesn’t deliver that sense of completeness, wholeness, or happiness. So you jump back on that self-improvement treadmill and find the next best thing that should do the trick. Or maybe, like my experience, you have a very discerning and comparing part of yourself that is always keeping an eye on other peoples’ skills and accomplishments and there’s a long-running list of the ways you can improve to be better (and more happy, more loved, more valued).
What is Development?
I call myself a developmental coach, but I realize the meaning of this might be unclear. What is self-development if it’s not self-improvement? I often frame my coaching engagements by setting up a developmental goal, but importantly, it’s a goal that is held lightly. It’s not a goal like you may have experienced using something like the GROW model with SMART measurements. I’ve used those models in organizations and they can be really helpful! But when we’re working developmentally, we take a different approach.
Development is naming a specific observable skill and/or a specific way of being that will support you in navigating the complexity of your work and life with more effectiveness and more fulfillment. Development doesn’t express what you will have or exactly what you will do. But it points in a direction to who you will be and who you will become in the process. It is not an external achievement but it’s something observable that helps you see your progress as you move through your days.
Some examples of developmental goals:
You want to become more skillful in resolving conflicts you experience with others, or mediating conflicts between others.
You want to be more skillful in listening to and understanding the concerns of others.
You want to be more vulnerable with others.
You want to become more able to identify and communicate your needs.
You want to be more skillful in freeing yourself from sabotaging behavior or habits.
You want to be more accepting and loving towards yourself, exactly as you are.
You want to become more skillful in asserting healthy boundaries to take care of yourself and others.
You want to be more skillful in balancing the demands of your work and life.
The list of possible developmental goals could go on and on. In our first coaching calls, I ask questions to help explore what’s most important to you. It’s worth mentioning, in organizational work, we often use both models. A developmental goal like the examples above, and SMART goals that get very specific. You may find you have both.
What is Unfoldment?
Many people come to coaching with the desire for change. There are 2 ways to consider change. Change that is improvement-driven (see above!) and an alternative way that I have found incredibly supportive and transformative; an unfolding approach.
Unfolding can provide a sense of freedom and possibility. Quite similarly to development, unfolding is also a way of being and becoming. We start by looking at what is getting in the way of these developmental goals you’ve identified. We turn to the threads, the habits, and the patterns that impede us moving toward our intentions. And as we do, with curiosity and compassion, the knots begin to unravel. Physical, mental, emotional, and even knots that were simply out of our awareness.
I wrote about developing the capacity to be with all parts of our experience in an earlier blog on change and transformation. This is a bit of the paradox of change. If we approach a part of ourselves, these patterns, these habits, with an agenda to change it, we meet resistance. But if we instead approach these parts of ourselves with acceptance and curiosity, change can unfold.
You may have noticed I am referring a lot to “parts” of ourselves. I’ll write more about this, but foundational to Aletheia coaching and my practice is an IFS-informed approach. You may have heard about IFS, Internal Family Systems. Parts Work is one of the most popular forms of self-development due to its effectiveness and it’s a practical and easy way to better understand and relate to our inner experiences.
You’ve probably heard people say “We’re human beings, not human doings” and that really applies here. All living organisms unfold. We humans, too. This is the natural process of how we grow and thrive. Everything is always more than its current expression. Everything is a seed, and more grows from that. Unfolding is the more that grows. In my January blog I wrote about the acorn growing into the oak tree. We don’t criticize the acorn for being an acorn. We see and appreciate the acorn as it is right now. It has everything it needs to grow and develop into that beautiful oak tree. As you do! But when we are trapped in the past, ruminating on what did or didn’t happen. Or when we are trapped in the future, in all the unknowns and uncertainties that no amount of preparation can ever fully predict, we lose sight of what’s true and happening right now. You may lack certain skills and there may be new practices to learn, but as you deepen your relationship with yourself, you begin to discover your wholeness and access to your innate creativity and resources.
Self-improvement starts with the question, "What is missing?” And ends with you figuring out what you can do to fix it.
Self-unfoldment begins with the question, “What if nothing is missing?” And it ends with the question what if you’re already whole? Making contact with more of your innate wholeness leads to an expression of completeness that gives you the resourcefulness to navigate life’s complexity and challenges with grace.
An Example
Say you’d like to become more skillful in resolving conflicts you experience with others. You may decide to purchase a book on Non-Violent (Compassionate) Communication. After reading the book, you may decide to enroll in a workshop to deepen your knowledge of the practice. This is a great start. Learning from others via books and workshops is a practical and helpful method to become more competent in a skill. But if you have limited opportunities to practice these new skills, or haven’t found the time to integrate what you learn or haven’t looked internally to see what is happening in your direct experience when conflicts occur, you may not be satisfied with your progress. And you may find yourself buying another book, or signing up for another workshop or retreat. Jumping on that self-improvement treadmill.
Learning from others is most impactful when you include your internal awareness and experience. What happens when you find yourself in the middle of a conflict?
You may find you want to escape, just leave the conversation. Maybe you’d do anything to avoid being in the middle of conflict.
You may find yourself digging into your position. You’d do anything to convince this other person that you know what you’re talking about!
You may find you are really afraid of saying anything that jeopardizes your relationship with this person. Even holding back what you are feeling or most concerned about, skipping over your needs entirely.
It will be different for each of us. And in some cases, we may find a little bit of all of this in our experience. Or something else entirely.
But taking an unfolding approach to each of these stories allows us to approach them with curiosity, and compassion, which allows for more self-understanding of what’s most important to you and what may be getting in the way of your goal to skillfully resolve conflicts you experience with others.
I mention this example in particular because it’s so critical in today’s polarized world that we learn these skills.
Finding New Ways to Participate
In today’s world, there is so much focus on getting to where we want to be that we almost always look over where we currently are. We get really busy with visioning exercises, creating project plans, strategies, and to-do lists. Which feels good and supports the work! But including a developmental unfolding approach, we also bring the focus back to the realities of the present. The good news is that when we really sense into and understand where we are now, new possibilities emerge for how to skillfully navigate what we are facing. We learn how to unfold the future from right now. We start where we are. We build the future with what’s available as opposed to believing that what we need is missing. This is a way out of this self-improvement trap, but it requires taking on a bit of a culture and mindset shift. We need each other for that, and this possibility is only achieved together.
Is This Coaching for You?
You want to pursue a dream, goal, or vision and want support in the process.
You are looking to discover inner guidance.
You have a longing to step into the next version of yourself.
You are looking to develop as a leader in your workplace or community and be of service.
You are a committed nonprofit, climate, DEI, or other leader of change, looking to deepen your resilience, integrate joy, and expand your leadership for effective change.
You want to advance your career AND find more meaning and purpose.
You are looking for new access to creativity and inspiration.
You are at a crossroads or feeling stuck.
You are noticing patterns and behaviors that you’d like to change.
I’d love to hear from you if coaching could help support this discovery for yourself. We start exactly where you are and explore the threads together.
Reach out if you’d like to chat.