Listening to Understand & Learn

The final component in Clear & Compassionate Communication is learning how to listen. Listening is built into many communication models, but I believe it needs dedicated space and time to practice. Listening and empathy are closely related. My favorite definition of empathy comes from Marshall Rosenberg of Nonviolent Communication. 

Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being

It’s short and sweet, but let’s be honest: This takes a lot of unlearning, learning, and practice! I feel so strongly about bringing this topic forward right now. Our current and future world needs these skills. When we learn to listen compassionately, we no longer see people as enemies, different, annoying, or intimidating. You see someone like you who is working to get their needs met. We may have different strategies in use, and some may be more skillful than others. It’s simply these differing strategies that create conflict. 

In my program, we learn about different levels of learning. We won’t be expert listeners right away. But what is effective listening? What are we working towards?

• We’re paying close attention to all that is being said (and not said).

• We’re paying attention to verbal and nonverbal cues.

• We’re reflecting back and mirroring what has been said.

• We’re trying to understand the world from their eyes and see from their perspective. 

Effective listening is invitational. It invites others to share back. This is how we find ourselves in genuine dialogue. At its highest level, we understand what’s at stake for someone when we attune to the unmet needs behind what is being shared.

But we’re also tending to ourselves, our needs, and what’s happening in our direct experience. As you listen, you may notice you have strong feelings and reactions to what is being said. In part 2 of my learning program, we use a framework to understand your inner experience. This is important and super helpful to learn. While you are listening, you are also paying close attention to your inner experience. You start to notice what might be getting in the way of genuine and present listening. I also teach ways to be present with all of this as well as learn skills to remain centered and ways to offer yourself compassion for whatever you are experiencing. 

Listening Tips

There’s much more to share on learning to be a great listener. From my experience, I’ve found that most people are searching for good listeners in their lives. So here are just a few tips you can bring to your most important relationships.

1. Listening with an intent to understand

2. Listen with the intent to learn

Most often, we think we’re listening, but in reality, we’re:

• Listening to respond (rehearsing your reply in your mind.) 

• Listening to convince or win (I know I am right, and let me figure out how to convince them!)

• Listening to solve or fix (Oh, I’ve been in that same situation; let me tell them what I did, and it will help solve their problem!)

Curiosity is the superpower needed here! Curiosity allows us to listen to understand and learn (rather than listening to respond, win, or fix).

When I first became a coach, it was a challenge to do much more listening than talking. As a manager, I thought I was expected to be the expert and always have a response ready.

I had a post-it note on my desk that said:

“Why are you talking?

And I’d have to pause (a lot!) and ask myself? Why am I talking right now? I’d always include a reminder to invite in self-compassion. For example, there is a part of you that might want to help (listening to fix). This is a good intention, but it gets in the way of deep listening. 

One very secret and super creative tip: the practice of embodying your dreams! This is one reason I love the practice of unfolding our dreams. After sharing a dream with me, we revisit the dream environment, and we embody the perspectives in our dreams. You feel what it’s like to be that person. It changes everything! It not only supports how you perceive your relationships, but it deepens who you are being in the relationship. You experience a shift in the process, and you land in a place of support and resource for the challenge of the moment. 

I’d love to support your organization or team with a learning experience centered around these topics.

1. Following the Thread of Our Core Needs

2. Clear & Compassionate Communication

3. Deep Listening & Mindfulness

These can be 3 one-hour workshops, a half-day learning program, or customized to your needs. 

Learn more about my learning programs or reach out for a chat.

If you’d like to explore these threads personally in more depth, reach out for a free discovery call.