Following The Thread of Our Core Needs
I’ve been committed to Nonviolent Communication for over a decade. As we raised our children and they became adolescents, I realized my communication needed to adapt to their developing independence, while remaining focused on our connectedness. Learning Nonviolent Communication for parenting led me to study Mindful Compassionate Dialogue in my marriage as we navigated our parenting styles and relationships. Having experienced the benefits of these frameworks, I started sharing what I had learned in my workplace. That was the beginning of my desire to teach and facilitate workshops. When you find tools that improve your life, you want to share them! When my organization adopted a global focus on psychological safety, I realized how these ways of communication are the foundation for psychologically safe teams. I then dove deeper into neuroscience and studied the works of many experts and inspiring speakers. I’ve since built upon what I’ve learned from my coaching studies and created a model I’m calling:
“Clear & Compassionate Communication - Following the Thread of Our Core Needs.”
Clear and compassionate communication starts with understanding our core needs. Humans are complex and we have dozens of universal needs! Focusing on our core needs allows a simple way to understand what’s happening in the background during times of challenge, interpersonal conflict, misunderstandings, or while trying to build collaboration with others.
When we learn practical strategies to identify, understand, and address our core needs, we can:
Transform communication
Enhance collaboration
Deepen relationships
Foster personal and professional growth
Gain curiosity about the core needs of others
Contribute to high-performing teams
Find a deeper sense of connection and belonging
Move into the zone of flow and creativity
Move from surviving to thriving
Feel better!
Tending to our core needs meets the brain's automatic search for safety and moves us away from habitual reactions that cause stress and tension in our bodies. Unmet core needs negatively impact personal and organizational effectiveness. So there is much to be gained by slowing down to understand ourselves more deeply.
Following the Thread of our Core Needs
Let’s look at the 6 Core Needs, the most important drivers that influence our behavior.
T = Trust - How safe and secure we feel as we scan for certainty in the future
H = Harmony - Our perception of balance and equal access to information and resources
R = Relatedness - Our sense of belonging, connection, and mutual care
E = Effect - How we perceive our sense of purpose and contribution
A = Autonomy - The sense of freedom and ownership we experience over key areas
D = Development - How we connect the dots around the progress in our work and life
We start by exploring how each of these core needs ranks for you.
How important are each to you?
How well is that need currently met in your work and life?
Where are you thriving already?
How can you appreciate and amplify that?
Where might you want to see more progress and fulfillment?
And then talk to each other! It’s incredibly helpful to talk with your partners and collaborators so you can grow to understand what’s most important for each other. I offer ideas to nurture and support these core needs in my workshops.
Remember, these core needs are universal. We’re all trying to meet them for ourselves at all times. And we don’t all have equal access to them. Tension and conflicts tend to arise because while the needs are universal, the strategies in use are different. This can reframe conflict into something less personal. It’s our strategy in conflict! Even just that acknowledgment can create a little space for curiosity, compassion, and understanding. And maybe the acknowledgment that more skillfulness is needed. That is something doable! We can learn and we can practice.
While these are the core needs we are all trying to meet, I don’t want to give the impression that this is an individualistic journey - I’ll meet my needs, you meet yours! No, we want to understand each other better so the door for collaboration can open. In these times of uncertainty and complex challenges, we need all voices to be heard.
1:1 Coaching
We can explore these threads more deeply together in coaching. I encourage starting exactly where you are. It’s helpful to narrow down to a topic or one of these core needs and explore how you have navigated similar challenges in the past. I call this a “historical thread.” But instead of only looking externally and approaching the topic as a problem to solve, we find the “golden thread” within it. We explore the core issue that continues to resurface. We start by getting curious about what’s happening now and wanting to understand the truth of it.
Understanding our core needs is a starting point and the foundation for clear and compassionate communication, but it’s not the end of the journey. We find deeper transformation and expansion when we can go beyond the core needs by questioning the need itself.
What is true freedom?
What enables relationships to deepen?
What does true safety feel like?
Where do I find belonging?
Questions like these can only be explored in your direct experience. Humans are complex beings navigating complex lives, in the middle of complex relationships and environments. Every day we take action in the middle of this complexity and the outcomes can only be known till they unfold. Taking an unfolding approach brings our attention to the realities of right now. When we can sense, feel, and understand where we are right now, new possibilities can emerge. We discover how we can navigate our most pressing challenges. We learn new ways to participate in the complexity of work and life. We discover we have everything we need, to not only survive but thrive. We discover the inner resources and ways of being that are needed for the particulars of each challenge.
I’d love to support your organization or team with a learning experience centered around these topics.
Following the Thread of our Core Needs
Clear & Compassionate Communication
Deep Listening & Mindfulness
These can be 3 one hour workshops, a half-day learning program, or can be customized to your particular needs.
Learn more about my learning programs or reach out for a chat.
If you’d like to explore these threads personally in more depth, reach out for a free discovery call.