Feelings Are Meant to Be Felt

I recently wrote about our core needs and shared some of my history studying nonviolent communication and what brought me to this moment. Now, I want to explore our feelings. Our feelings are deeply interconnected with our needs. From a motivational perspective, feelings reveal whether our needs are met or unfulfilled. They propel us toward what we want. 

Our feelings are meant to be felt. It’s part of being alive! But this doesn’t mean we’re acting out our feelings. We’re not yelling, we’re not exploding. This also doesn’t mean we’re acting them out inside ourselves either (blaming or attacking ourselves for something we did or didn’t do, bottling them up, or holding them in). We’re treating them like gold. They have important information to share. To articulate our feelings, we first need to be aware of what we are feeling, and this is greatly assisted by noticing what we’re experiencing in our bodies. This is one reason I have invested in learning somatic coaching. The source of our emotional intelligence is within. 

We are living in challenging and complex times. In light of this, it is natural that we have many different and sometimes conflicting feelings. We may also find that we have parts of ourselves that don’t want to or don’t allow us to feel these emotions. Often, we’ve brought this perspective from childhood. We may have learned that challenging emotions are best ignored, or kept to ourselves.

If you think about the term “emotional intelligence” you get the hint that our emotions hold wisdom. Emotions have intelligence, but that can only be known by feeling them. We want to feel these emotions so we can use them for focus and purpose. Our emotions point us to what is most precious and help us answer what we want to prioritize, protect, and guide our decisions and actions.

Karla McLaren’s book “The Language of Emotions” taught me much about the wisdom of emotions. While I don’t use all her methods, I’d like to share some of them here.

Let’s start with her four Keys to Emotional Genius.

1. Welcome all your emotions equally. There are no negative emotions, and there are no positive emotions. All of your emotions bring you the intelligence and energy you need in each situation.
   

2. Understand emotional nuance. Emotions arise at many different intensity levels, and by developing a larger emotional vocabulary, you can learn to identify and work with all of them.
   

3. Learn to identify multiple emotions. It’s normal to feel more than one emotion at the same time. When you know why your feelings arise, you’ll be able to identify the unique gifts and skills in each of your emotions and learn to work skillfully with all of them.
   

4. Learn to channel your emotions instead of merely expressing or repressing them. This is what I mean by feelings are meant to be felt. You don’t act them out or act them in. You can learn to listen to them, understand them, work with them intentionally, and create many healthy options for every emotion you feel. 
   

Here’s some guidance on the main emotions that surface when faced with challenging circumstances.

Fear: Our fear arises to help us with intuition, focus, clarity, and readiness. Fear points us to what action to take. 

Guilt: Our guilt can help us restore integrity. Who or what has been hurt? What must be made right?

Anger: Our anger can help us with proper boundaries and protection of self and others. What do I value? What must be protected and restored? 

Apathy: Apathy can be seen as a mask for anger. The question to ask when you feel apathy is: What is being avoided? What must I bring to the surface and make conscious? 

Sadness: Our sadness needs to be felt. Releasing our sadness brings us grounding; when we feel more grounded, it eventually brings relaxation and rejuvenation. Our tears bring us a healing flexibility. It takes a lot of energy to hold our tears back and in.  

A trauma-sensitive and present coach, therapist, or friend can help you be with these emotions, especially if they’ve done the work to feel their feelings. They can help you anchor yourself in the exploration. 

Each of these emotions has vitality in it, and that is our work: to be alive and to be a good host to whoever arrives at the door of our house.

- Francis Weller

Recall that our feelings and needs are deeply connected. When our core needs are met, we may feel engaged, hopeful, confident, excited, grateful, inspired, peaceful, and refreshed, to name a few. And when our needs are unfulfilled, we may feel afraid, annoyed, angry, confused, disconnected, embarrassed, fatigued, sad, and tense, among others. 

I provide my clients a list of universal feelings and needs but you can download one by subscribing to The Center for Nonviolent Communication.

Understanding our core needs and corresponding feelings does take time, but it is time well spent. Humans are complex beings navigating complex lives in the middle of complex relationships and environments. Every day, we need to take action in the middle of this complexity. Taking an unfolding approach brings our attention to the realities of right now, which include our feelings and awareness of our needs. When we can sense, feel, and understand where we are right now, new possibilities can emerge. We discover how we can navigate our most pressing challenges. We learn new ways to participate in the complexity of work and life. We discover we have everything we need to not only survive but thrive. We discover the inner resources and ways of being that are needed for each challenge.

I’d love to support your organization or team with a learning experience centered around these topics.

1. Following the Thread of Our Core Needs

2. Clear & Compassionate Communication

3. Deep Listening & Mindfulness
   

These can be 3 one-hour workshops, a half-day learning program, or customized to your needs. 

Learn more about my learning programs or reach out for a chat.

If you’d like to explore these threads personally in more depth, reach out for a free discovery call.