Depolarization Begins Within
We are living in polarized times. That’s likely not news to anyone. We see it in politics, in our communities, our organizations, and often in our own families. It can feel uncomfortable, and often, very personal.
In my work with SAGE and the Citizen Project, I’ve been part of conversations about how polarization shows up in our communities: how it fuels “us versus them” thinking, how it creates gridlock, and keeps us from solving the problems we most care about. This work connects directly to my coaching and communication learning programs because polarization doesn’t just exist “out there”—it begins within us.
Why Agreement Isn’t Always the Answer
I’m not a scientist, but I find our brains and biology fascinating. It helps us understand what’s happening within us when we are in conflict or feel stuck. For example, we are wired for connection. Neuroscience shows that our brains process social pain in the same way as physical pain, which is why disagreement can feel so threatening and agreeability can feel so virtuous. Connection and belonging are among our universal core needs, and to avoid any discomfort or alienation, we often give false agreement, compromise, soften our opinions, or avoid the conversation altogether. In this complex world we live in, however, we need more options, not fewer. When we narrow down in this way, we strip away courage, creativity, and the possibility of real solutions.
As Jennifer Garvey Berger writes in Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps, the key isn’t to eliminate disagreement but to learn how to use it—to expand the solution space rather than contract it. What if disagreement wasn’t something to fix? What if conflict could open new options instead of closing them down?
From Outer to Inner Polarization
How did we get this polarized? When compromise doesn’t work, we polarize. We dig in. We harden into positions. And soon enough, the relationship is lost to the argument. When disagreements harden into polarization, we slip into “us versus them.”
But if we pause for a moment, we discover the same thing happens inside us. We all have different “parts” of ourselves—protectors, critics, performers, doubters. Parts Work is the foundation of my coaching practice, and I’ve written more about that here. Our inner parts can be just as divided as what we see out in the world. These parts are doing their best to keep us safe and connected, but internally, we also don’t often agree. One part of us says, “speak up,” another whispers, “don’t rock the boat.” One wants to rest, another insists you push harder.
That tug-of-war is inner polarization. When our parts polarize, it can leave us just as stuck as any political standoff, or it leaves us exhausted, or giving up, convinced we’re not or can’t make a difference.
How did we get this polarized within ourselves? An inner polarization exists between two parts that feel threatened by each other. When we feel stuck, a polarization of parts is usually behind the stuckness. And just like in the outer world, unresolved polarizations tend to become more extreme over time. It might even feel like neither side is willing to give an inch—like an unresolvable standoff.
But when we realize this “stuckness” is generated by polarized parts, a new space opens for possibility. With Parts Work, we learn to follow the threads our reactive parts are surfacing. We don’t just look at the behavior; we listen for the intention behind it. And often, what feels like a binary choice—where one part wins and the other loses—transforms into something more creative. When both parts are relieved of their overworked jobs, something wiser, more integrated can step forward. Who wins? In truth, all of us do. We get unstuck and move forward with more ease, more possibility, and often, more alignment with the greater good.
(P.S. Procrastination is usually rooted in polarization. It’s not really a time management problem, but an emotional management problem. One part is avoiding unpleasant feelings, while another is longing to move forward. Recognizing that tug-of-war changes everything.)
Turning Inward First
With Parts Work, we pause and listen inwardly. We begin to understand what each part of us is protecting. We stop fighting ourselves. Even the harshest inner critic, when heard with compassion, often carries wisdom. Slowly, we create space inside to reveal more of our wholeness, creativity, and resourcefulness.
But parts often aren’t just personal—they’re often echoes of culture, ancestry, even the systems we swim in. Which means the work we do internally ripples outward. The more resourced we are on the inside, the less reactive we become on the outside. When we can hold our own complexity with compassion, we can hold others’ complexity too. We show up differently—in our families, our workplaces, our communities.
We learn to pause, breathe in the tension, get curious, and listen.
A Blueprint for Change
The Inner Development Goals (IDGs) point to this very connection: personal development as the foundation for societal change. They remind us that building a world of peace, dignity, and prosperity on a healthy planet isn’t only about policies and systems. It’s also about the skills and qualities we cultivate within—like humility, courage, empathy, and perspective-taking.
So yes, we are living in a polarized world. But the work begins closer to home than we might think. As we tend to our inner polarization, we become less reactive to the polarization around us. We show up as a steadier, more centered presence, and that can be contagious.
When we see conflict as an invitation instead of a threat —both inside ourselves and with one another—we expand the space for new possibilities. And we start to weave the fabric of connection back together.
I’d love to support your organization or team with a learning experience centered around these topics.
Following the Thread of Our Core Needs
Clear & Compassionate Communication
Deep Listening & Mindfulness
These can be 3 one-hour workshops, a half-day learning program, or customized to your particular needs.
Learn more about my learning programs or reach out for a chat.
1:1 Coaching
If you’d like to explore these threads personally in more depth, reach out for a free discovery call.