Forgiveness: Returning to Ourselves and Each Other
Forgiveness has entered the global conversation in a new way. The Inner Development Goals (IDGs) now recognize it not simply as a moral ideal, but as an inner capacity we can cultivate to build a just and sustainable world. Forgiveness becomes both personal work and collective responsibility. A shift in how we hold pain, how we relate to one another, and how we imagine our shared future. I’ve written about and shared more IDG resources here.
The IDG guide says: Forgiveness is the willingness to transcend hostility, work through trauma, and create space for healing.
I’m encouraged by their inclusion of forgiveness in the guide. AND, it’s not a quick gesture. It’s also not a linear path. I tend to see forgiveness as an outcome of a process. And in a process, there are no shortcuts, or quick techniques, or secret ways to transcend.
Forgiveness is a deeply embodied process that unfolds over time. It requires presence, attuning to emotional truth, and the courage to feel our way back into relationship with ourselves. Maybe the most important ingredient in forgiveness is intention. You recognize that there is some relationship in your life that has hardened, and you want to explore that. This might be a personal relationship, a team dynamic, a leadership tension, or a long-standing workplace conflict. So let’s explore forgiveness from the inside out.
Why Forgiveness Matters Now
The IDG researchers surveyed over 22,000 people from 194 countries to identify the skills and qualities missing from their original framework. Collectively, that community is elevating forgiveness now, which makes so much sense in a world of conflict, polarization, war, violence, hatred, and exclusion. We see these dynamics not only globally, but daily in organizations, institutions, and workplaces where unresolved tension quietly drains energy and trust.
Forgiveness matters because it transforms our internal state. As we navigate our complex and changing world and remain unforgiving within, our nervous system continues to hold the injury, which activates our biological threat responses, impacting our ability to feel centered, grounded, engaged, and connected. In work environments, this often shows up as friction, defensiveness, reduced collaboration, or a loss of creativity and motivation.
In “Anchored” by Deb Dana, she explains that unforgiveness keeps the sympathetic nervous system activated. What does that mean? Imagine two parties gripping opposite ends of a toxic rope.
Exploring forgiveness can restore us to safety, agency, and a sense of connection. It allows energy that was tied up in resentment, blame, or vigilance to return to collaboration, learning, and meaningful work. But to land there, something deeper must happen first.
Unfolding Begins with Truth
We might imagine forgiveness as the opposite of anger. Anger is “bad,” forgiveness is “good,” and we want to get from one to the other as quickly as possible. But life is more complex than this simple duality.
Karla McLaren’s book “The Language of Emotions” taught me much about the wisdom of emotions. While I don’t use her particular practices, the distinctions she makes about emotions are quite helpful. She suggests something radically different: anger and forgiveness are partners in the process. Anger is the doorway to forgiveness.
Forgiveness requires bringing our awareness to what is true, and when we do this, we may discover our anger. When we bring presence to anger, it restores our sense of boundary and dignity. Forgiveness becomes possible only when the truth of our experience is no longer exiled. Only then can forgiveness emerge honestly. This is as true in leadership and teams as it is in personal life. Unspoken resentment and suppressed anger often surface later as disengagement, conflict, or burnout.
I wrote more about this in my blog on feelings. Our feelings are meant to be felt. It’s part of being alive! But this doesn’t mean we’re acting out our feelings. We’re not attacking or throwing a tantrum. We’re not exploding. This also doesn’t mean we’re acting them out inside ourselves either. This might look like beating ourselves up inside, blaming or attacking ourselves for something we did or didn’t do. We’re also not bottling them up or holding them in. We’re treating our feelings like gold. They have important information to share. To articulate our feelings, we first need to be aware of what we are feeling, and this is greatly assisted by noticing what we’re experiencing in our bodies.
We may also find that we have parts of ourselves that don’t want to or don’t allow us to feel these emotions. Very often, anger is one of those. Typically, we’ve brought this perspective from our culture or childhood. We may have learned that challenging emotions are best ignored or kept to ourselves. In professional settings, this often shows up as “being nice,” avoiding difficult conversations, or prioritizing harmony over truth. So we keep our anger tucked away, where it stays bottled up or sometimes leaks out in unproductive ways.
When we skip anger or feelings altogether, we can get bypassing, a kind of premature forgiveness that severs us from our own inner truth. In organizations, bypassing often looks like moving on without repair, enforcing accountability without empathy, or encouraging forgiveness without acknowledging impact. To be transparent, forgiveness isn’t necessarily tidy. A trauma-sensitive and present coach, therapist, facilitator, or friend can help you be with these emotions, especially if they’ve done the work to feel their feelings. They can help you anchor yourself in the exploration.
The Slow Work of Reconnection
Coaching can help you discover your resourcefulness in this inner discovery. The unfolding of forgiveness is like following a thread to an inner resource: It’s a gradual restitching of relationship. Starting with ourselves, to others, to life. In work environments, this often means restoring trust, clarity, and psychological safety, without sacrificing accountability or standards.
It unfolds through many layers, such as:
Anger returns us to strength
Grief returns us to tenderness
Compassion returns us to connection
Forgiveness reconnects us to the parts of ourselves we had pushed away.
Forgiveness is not a technique, and there is no one way to approach this. But it does not happen through willpower. It emerges through presence. From staying with what is true till the qualities of our resourcefulness emerge. This is where empathy and accountability stop competing and begin to work together.
Forgiveness as a Collective Capacity
When individuals develop the capacity for forgiveness, the world changes.
It becomes more than a personal healing. It becomes a cultural skill. A way of breaking cycles of fear, mistrust, and reactivity. This reminds me of a beautiful song I learned with the emerging Lantern community by Shireen Amini Music called “Cycle Breakers”. This Instagram post isn’t a quality recording, but it captures a bit of the spirit!
When individuals learn to move from threat to connection, they begin to relate differently in community, in conflict, and in systems. Teams become more resilient, and organizations become more capable of learning from mistakes.
Forgiveness can enable relationship repair and break cycles of retaliation. It restores the possibility of trust! For our families, communities, institutions, and societies. It allows us to meet complexity with humility. It dissolves the “otherness” that fuels division.
In a world marked by polarization, ecological grief, and widening fragmentation, forgiveness becomes a regenerative act that supports cultures of empathy, humility, responsibility, and compassion.
When we learn to forgive honestly, through emotional truth, we become more capable of holding complexity and more available to work across difference.
A just and sustainable world depends not only on outer solutions but on inner capacities that help us live with difference, hold tension with care, and re-enter relationships without falling back into old patterns.
Forgiveness brings life back where something has frozen. And it restores possibilities for our shared future.
A Closing Invitation
Forgiveness asks us to slow down, to feel what is true, to reclaim the parts of ourselves we abandoned out of pain or confusion. It is the practice of staying present with what hurts long enough for it to transform. It emerges in the moments when anger has done its work, when grief has softened the ground, and when compassion can be discovered.
Forgiveness is not about releasing others from responsibility. It’s about meeting responsibility with clarity rather than blame. It is about releasing ourselves from the captivity of unprocessed hurt. Forgiveness is a way we come back into life.
Here’s another musical entry into forgiveness. My husband’s cousin is a gifted musician and teacher. Enjoy Anandi’s Forgiveness.
I’d love to support your organization or team with a learning experience centered around these topics.
Following the Thread of Our Core Needs
Clear & Compassionate Communication
Deep Listening & Mindfulness
These can be 3 one-hour workshops, a half-day learning program, or customized to your particular needs.
Learn more about my learning programs or reach out for a chat.
If you’d like to explore these threads personally in more depth, reach out for a free discovery call.
An Opportunity to Practice
I’m delighted to see that the Inner Development Goals are supporting the inclusion of forgiveness in their guide with a space to explore it in community.
The Caux IDG Forum gathering will explore forgiveness as a deeply human capacity, one that opens pathways towards release, reconciliation, regeneration, and belonging. Over five days of reflection and dialogue, participants will be invited to explore forgiveness in its many dimensions: forgiving oneself, forgiving others, reconnecting with the Earth, and healing collective trauma.
The Forum is a space to slow down, listen, and rediscover connection, within ourselves, with one another, and the world around us. It welcomes people from all backgrounds to explore how inner and collective transformation can regenerate belonging, foster understanding, and strengthen connection in our world.